If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?
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 "Now, if you will step on this picture of your Jesus..."
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If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? is a 1971 religious film directed and written by Ron Ormond. It is based on Estus Pirkle's novel of the same name.
Plot
In Mississippi, a group of communists invade a Sunday School picnic, which then cuts to a shot of people trying to get away from the communists. Those who refused to give up religion were shot and killed. Everyone was put into slavery and their homes reduced to rubble. Those families who were caught hiding had their children taken away and the parents were killed. Throughout the movie, the communists embark on a genocidal rampage against Christians, and the United States' democracy comes to a end.
Why It Tires Everyone
- It barely qualifies as a movie - it's mostly just an extended sermon from Estus Pirkle with skits thrown in.
- Despite being a religious movie, it contains many violent scenes. Near the end of the film, a child gets decapitated with a butcher's knife by a Soviet soldier for refusing to stomp on a picture of Jesus.
- The film blasts drive-in movies for showing violence. This is very hypocritical because, as stated before, this movie is extremely violent.
- The film failed to do the research on Communism. Pirkle claims that it took only a week for the communists to take over China, which is totally impossible. In our world, the civil war in China lasted from 1916 to 1950, with a temporary ceasefire during the Second Sino-Japanese War.
- Pirkle says that millions of Christians have been killed in North Korea, China and the Soviet Union, apparently unaware that the death toll during the Great Chinese Famine would have killed both atheists and Christians alike.
- Lack of subtlety. For example, the message implies that America would fall to a Communist takeover simply because the people weren't Christian enough.
- Horrible video quality.
- The main point of the film is to fight back against communism. However, for some reason, there is a subplot about a girl named Judy becoming a Christian that has nothing to do with the rest of the film.
- Awful plot and a lack of loyalty to the original novel.
- When Judy offers her boyfriend the chance to come into church with her, he says "I'm a lover, not a Christian!". What does that mean?!
- The ending is weird. Estus Pirkle looks into the camera and repeats the words "will you come?" over and over.
- Speaking of the ending, after that scene, the film abruptly ends with no credits.
- The acting is beyond horrible.
- The film suggests that dancing is a sin, because it can lead to sex, which is pathetic.
- In one laughable scene, a bunch of people are shot. However, it is blatantly obvious that they are just jumping to the ground.
- The soundtrack is very poorly made.
- It can be unintentionally creepy at times.
- Excessive use of recycled shots.
- Padding up the wazoo. Along with the skits, there is the previously mentioned sub-plot with Judy and the guest speakers.
- Before one of the skits, Estus says that this is a documented incident. First of all, Estus is implying that this is what will happen in the future. How does Estus have footage from the future? Second, who was taping that and how did Estus get his hands on it?
- During the scene where Judy is being converted, one woman sitting in the congregation is clearly asleep.
The Only Redeeming Quality
- The dialogue, although terrible, can lead to some downright funny moments.
Trivia
- The line "Christianity is stupid, communism is good! Give up!" was sampled by the experimental Bay Area based sound collage band Negativland in their song, "Christianity is Stupid", from their 1987 album Escape From Noise.
Video
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